Well, I've officially hit my "what the heck am I doing here?" part of my move :) It's that joyous time when I really start to ponder why I wanted to make my life more difficult.
I'm not writing this entry as a pity party for myself, but I just wanted to explore some of these feelings. I think they were launched by having two auditions this week that I didn't a callback or cast for. Boy that's rough, but it's also part of the lovely package of being an actor. What's interesting is that one audition I didn't really care about so it wasn't such a disappointment. The other, however, seemed like such a wonderful new play, and I was really holding out hope of being able to do it. So much of the character seemed to resonate with me. Even knowing full well that I didn't completely fit the part (the character was supposed to be at least 5'8", while I'm 5'6"), I still felt like I had a good audition. I hoped that it would be good enough to at least render a callback, where I would be able to see what the other prospects were and then understand if I didn't get cast. But alas, I live in the dark, because I don't know what my competition was.
This is the real world of acting, and I understand it's just part of the whole package, but I think it's particularly tough to take when I'm new. I have no idea if I just was plain awful or if there was someone on par with me that the director already knew. There are just so many different variables, but one major factor is being known. It just makes perfect sense that if you have the choice between two people of equal talent, then you're smart to go with the person you know, because you don't want to risk the unknown when you have the option of security. But at some point I hope that I can get a lucky break that helps me be known as the secure option, that makes me the person they choose.
But that takes time and patience, and at the moment I don't feel so patient. Don't get me wrong, this is not stopping me from doing what I came here to do. I'm still going to audition and audition, and more often than not I'll fail, but hopefully at some point I will start to be known--if for nothing else but as the girl that just keeps coming to auditions. And really, even auditioning helps me improve as an actor, so I'm not just wasting my time. But thank goodness I have solid relationships with my parents and friends, because each rejection is a blow to the self-esteem. Each no is a moment when you ask "am I just not good?". With prayer and people, I seem to sustain some semblance of normalcy :)
So again, this isn't a "feel sorry for Lindsay" entry. I'm putting myself in this position, and I'm very happy to be doing this. But I think it's interesting to explore this aspect of theater. For something that hardly pays monetarily, it still pays pretty high emotionally :)
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6 comments:
i was just going to say "i feel so sorry for you LindsayJoon!" when i read the bit about this not being a "feel sorry for Lindsay entry" .... okay, Lindsay ... i am SO SORRY!!!!! I cant imagine the frustration you are going through ... kinda reminds of this character in a movie i watched recently ... an actress as well ... and she would go from one audition to the next and not get the parts she wanted ... not that she wasnt talented or gorgeous (both of which you are), but just because it's a tough world out there for a new (relatively) actor/actress. Well i am glad you aren't giving up hope - cos Lord knows I would! (but you arent me, so ...) :)
I am sure your friends who are in the same business will have more practical advice for you ... All i can do is tell you to keep hanging in there and i am always thinking of you and really so proud of you ... and and and ... i cant wait to hear your voice on a commercial on tv some day! :)
:-)
I may not be pursuing acting but everything you wrote seemed to echo my current feelings about my own career path. I guess we all question our abilities at some point but for me it is doubly hard considering the fact that as a health care provider what I do has an effect on the life of another. At least you hopefully don't run the risk of jeopardizing someone else's well-being while on stage (unless you intend to use your prop as a weapon). Anyway, just know that you're not alone. We all need to pray for each other to have patience and perseverance. Have faith in yourself as I have faith in you.
Whew! I'm glad I'm not an actor. I decided to go into art instead since it is much more lucrative. :)
It does worry me a bit the artists tend to go crazy. I wonder how much time I have left.
Actually, I wonder frequently about things such as you've written. Nobody knows the answer. We just all keep plugging away.
The great this for the arty and actor types like us is that the weak ones get weeded out and the strong ones with an insatiable love of their craft continue. Just like snowboarding. The wimps go home. Gives us a better chance to succeed you know.
Way to persevere!
Hey Sweetness,
I've been doing the acting thing professionally for almost 25 years and the only thing that I can think to say to you at a time like this is the thing my grandfather used to say to me growing up.
"What are you doing in the bathroom night and day? Why don't you get out of there once a while and give someone else a chance for Pete's sake!"
Hope that helps.
Love you,
Shane
PS I don't think that it's fair that Carrot Top has a career and you can't get a call back. What a dark and mysterious world we live in.
Hey Linds,
I remember a saying from my high school Economics class, "Collect, your No(s)..." I really think perserverance is overcoming disappointment. You have talent and passion so you will get that role that will make you "known" very soon.
The grade I am most proud of during my academic career was the C- in a very difficult computer science course. I wanted to quit and give up so many times, but I keep going, and that makes all the differences.
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